Thursday, December 27, 2007
"If this is the right decision, then why am I crying myself to sleep?", I find myself asking.
I'm back in Sydney now, permanently it seems after 4 years living in Adelaide studying.
I feel strange. Everyone is the same, yet different, and I think I know why. I've changed a lot. And Perhaps I've held onto perceptions of people and family, and built and embellished upon truths such that when I'm back I've got these expectations of everyone, which noone really fulfills. In any case, I'm left thinking that perhaps it's just me that has to change these notions.
But it's tricky, because that is part of the reason why I decided to come back to Sydney in the first place. I thought that friends and family were important enough to move for. And it's hard to take when they perhaps don't realise that themselves. I'm talking about my brother here. I guess it's because he hasn't had to live away from home, or even live independently from my parents. I just hope one day he appreciates me as a sister.
As for friends, they've all changed in their own way, at their own pace. I just have to take the time to get to know them again.
I feel sad that I've lost contact with so many friends in Sydney.
And also that I'll not have the luxury of seeing the friends I made in Adelaide.
But I'm not just anxiously rethinking my decision to move back because of friends and family. It's the added stress of finding a place in the city nearby the hospital. The confusion about whether to rent of buy. To live alone, with friends, or with strangers. In which suburb to live in. Public transport. Debts. Insurance. Feeling guilty about borrowing money and other things. And feeling like it's all hopeless. Needing to talk to someone about it. And trying to re-establish my independence- what I had when I was in control in Adelaide.
And there's also the pressure about starting a job in hospital with no idea how the NSW health system runs compared to SA.
Perhaps I was looking at my life in Sydney in rose coloured glasses. But I've made my decision, and now I have to push on.
We'll see what the new year brings.
I'm in need of some optimism.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
And it's the end of this era of study..
I'm looking forward to picking up my hobbies again, though, I desperately hope that my drawing skills and imagination are still in tact. It seems as though i've lost my spontaneous habit of doodling, which is a ominous sign.
And it's the end of this life in Adelaide.
Moving back to Sydney for another round of meet and greet at my new job. Perhaps I'll meet some new exciting people? New characters? Perhaps i'll feel compelled to return to Adelaide in the future? Who knows?
I've spent the past week in Melbourne after my (terrible, boring, tedious, dreary..) placement in Mt Gambier. It was a fantastic time, idling around the city, catching the tram like a true melbournite, taking pictures of street graffiti.. I met some fantastic people- Caught up with Caz after 2 years, and met her significant. It's funny how you meet people and you just seem to click. Knowing people like that makes me not so cynical about people in general.
Anyways, now i'm tying up loose ends in Adelaide.
I think I'm ready to move on.
I'm hopeful for the next step.