Nothing says Christmas, and then New Year than mountains of left over food.. with the pièce de résistance being mother's baked ham..

"If this is the right decision, then why am I crying myself to sleep?", I find myself asking.

I'm back in Sydney now, permanently it seems after 4 years living in Adelaide studying.
I feel strange. Everyone is the same, yet different, and I think I know why. I've changed a lot. And Perhaps I've held onto perceptions of people and family, and built and embellished upon truths such that when I'm back I've got these expectations of everyone, which noone really fulfills. In any case, I'm left thinking that perhaps it's just me that has to change these notions.

But it's tricky, because that is part of the reason why I decided to come back to Sydney in the first place. I thought that friends and family were important enough to move for. And it's hard to take when they perhaps don't realise that themselves. I'm talking about my brother here. I guess it's because he hasn't had to live away from home, or even live independently from my parents. I just hope one day he appreciates me as a sister.

As for friends, they've all changed in their own way, at their own pace. I just have to take the time to get to know them again.

I feel sad that I've lost contact with so many friends in Sydney.
And also that I'll not have the luxury of seeing the friends I made in Adelaide.

But I'm not just anxiously rethinking my decision to move back because of friends and family. It's the added stress of finding a place in the city nearby the hospital. The confusion about whether to rent of buy. To live alone, with friends, or with strangers. In which suburb to live in. Public transport. Debts. Insurance. Feeling guilty about borrowing money and other things. And feeling like it's all hopeless. Needing to talk to someone about it. And trying to re-establish my independence- what I had when I was in control in Adelaide.
And there's also the pressure about starting a job in hospital with no idea how the NSW health system runs compared to SA.

Perhaps I was looking at my life in Sydney in rose coloured glasses. But I've made my decision, and now I have to push on.
We'll see what the new year brings.
I'm in need of some optimism.

And it's the end of this era of study..
I'm looking forward to picking up my hobbies again, though, I desperately hope that my drawing skills and imagination are still in tact. It seems as though i've lost my spontaneous habit of doodling, which is a ominous sign.

And it's the end of this life in Adelaide.
Moving back to Sydney for another round of meet and greet at my new job. Perhaps I'll meet some new exciting people? New characters? Perhaps i'll feel compelled to return to Adelaide in the future? Who knows?

I've spent the past week in Melbourne after my (terrible, boring, tedious, dreary..) placement in Mt Gambier. It was a fantastic time, idling around the city, catching the tram like a true melbournite, taking pictures of street graffiti.. I met some fantastic people- Caught up with Caz after 2 years, and met her significant. It's funny how you meet people and you just seem to click. Knowing people like that makes me not so cynical about people in general.

Anyways, now i'm tying up loose ends in Adelaide.
I think I'm ready to move on.
I'm hopeful for the next step.

Hmm.. reading back on past entries.. it's like reading through a chronically depressed person's scattered thoughts. Apologies.
Perhaps it's just because I'm getting antsy living here in Mt Gambier.
Maybe it's because i'm waiting for next year to start?

Anyways, today I received an email which weirded me out... Apparently some editor of Schmap wants to use a photo i posted on Flickr depicting Cambridge.
Hmmmm... No money though.. just the knowledge that my photo is going to be used in a free publication about traveling to Cambridge.
Why weirded out? Well... it's a crappy picture! Well... not crappy.. but definitely not one of my best.

Secondly, on the weekend, I went to my first race day. It was in Dunkald, a Victorian small town on the boarder of Victoria and SA. Apparently this Dunkald Cup is quite popular.. Anyways, with nothing really to wear to the races, I had to borrow a dress from my housemate's girlfriend. It turned out to be a jolly day. Lost a huge $3 though. Damn horse 6!!
My friend (an american cowboy) commented at the end of the day saying that he doesn't understand Australian men. All the women get dressed up and make an effort with dresses and hats and things, while the guys all look like they could be at an afternoon bbq.
He admitted that he liked putting out his nice things- he managed to pull out a set of tails! (And was immediately swarmed on by his girlfriend plus others.)
But I was thinking... Australian culture doesn't really have a traditional dress code. Not like the germans with their Dirndl.. or English with their tuxedos..
Sometimes not having a root heritage is sad.
I guess this just made me appreciate mine a bit more.. despite being 5th generation Australian. At least I know my roots.

Ok.
My birthday came and went. It was a non-event.
Mostly because I don't have a current address. And I'm in Mount Gambier.

And by non- event, I mean non-event. No singing, cake, presents, cards...No rowdy party. No alcohol. Not even any chocolate.
But it was ok.

I guess I'm just getting old.

Anyways, today I learnt a valuable lesson. All surgeons are surgeons. They have the same personality. The same selfish desire to edge themselves higher up the medical foodchain.

The reason why I hate surgeons and their personalities is because I could never be like that. I'm not THAT kind of outgoing. But what is frustrating, is that I know that I have the skills to be a surgeon.
I wonder how many other people get put off a career path because of the people already in it?

I think my parents said it best when they wrote me an email titled Slow haul homebound.
I'm back in Australia, after 2 days in Singapore.
Sydney is exactly how I remembered it. Urban sprawl. Wide roads. Space!
You don't appreciate the space until you have been to London or Singapore.
Space is valued because there isn't much of it.

Here, it's everywhere.

And phase 28 of my return trip ends with a 7 hour bus trip to the middle of nowhere.
The time it takes to fly from Singapore to Sydney.

Mmmmm.. Damn space..

Last 12 hours in London.

Tomorrow Singapore.

3 days later Sydney.

2 days later Adelaide.

I'm tired.

But it's been an awesome experience travelling on my own.

And there is stingray to come.