I feel like...

I'm inadequate.
And i think to myself- what's the point? What was the point in giving up ready access to my friends & family. Letting my hobbies fall to the wayside because I'm so guilty about having to study. Feeling so guilty about having to study that i don't enjoy myself anyways.
And to top it off, trying constantly to pick yourself off the ground after getting yelled at by doctors?

I don't know.
I just had a bad day.
And i miss people.

I'm sick.
I've got a cold!
When are holidays??

Actually, the best time i've had this year was during easter, when i was the miscellaneous guest to a friend's friend's family easter holiday at a shack near when i am. It was weird and fun.. and eventful.
But not in the traditional sense.

Weird seeing majong being played in Adelaide- when i spent the last holidays being taught how to play by Erica and John.
Fun being around people i haven't really met. And being welcomed. And sitting around a campfire. It made me miss my family and friends in sydney.

Maybe next time i'll go fishing.

Today i learnt that doctors are full of shit.
Really.
They are..
And it's especially frustrating when they feel the need to put you on the spot with knowledge they know- knowing full well that the odds of a student knowing about some peptide is about as high as winning power lotto.
So in the end, the doctor looks like the font of all wisdom, while the medical student looks like the piece of toe scum that they are.
GRRR!

Well, today because i was in a particularly insolent mood, i decided to google a particular hormone- BNP ("You don't know that BNP -Brain-Naturetic-Peptide- comes from the brain!? that's lacking in your schooling..very poor..") right in front of the doctor.

And low and behold.. BNP IS NOT found in the brain but is found in the heart and the blood. HA!

Doctors are full of shit.
And i told him so. with much enjoyment and smirking.
I hope this doesn't bite me in the arse.
Knowing me.. it will.. but it was worth it!

For the first time, a friend asked if i was still painting...
And i couldn't say yes. I've given up all sorts of artish crusades, like jewelry and painting, and collecting junk in case of a creative emergency. Well, not quite given up, but rather, put on hold..
Medicine really has taken over. Which is sad. I remember making friendship bands in class in primary school, making jewelry on the weekends. Make dreamcatchers with a friend and selling them at school fairs.
It's times like this when i wish i was able to memorise things so i had time to do art and not be worried by failing. And i guess that's why i've fallen on the instantaneousness of photography as a creative outlet.

And i met up with Ed the other day in Eastwood before his Korean class. It was great catching up- Three things that struck me: 1. Compared to the last time I met him when he first arrived back in Australia(when he was all excited), i thought he was at an ebb. 2. He knows most* of my cousins. Its weird. Like he's a family friend- but not. Though i won't be surprised if he turns up at our next family gathering. He'll probably be appalled at our Aussie-ness. 3. Languages. I was pleased when the Korean restaurant owner said that he had the "right" accent.
*I guess it's practically impossible to know all of my cousins. =p Too many.

Izzy has grown. She's up to my thigh. And she has the wickedest smile. Smart girl. Likes tomato tho.. it's a pity!
Reaquainted myself to Graham Base. Could keep myself amused for hours. Lucky Chrissy.

Am jealous of Erica. She graduates at the end of this year. Soon to be a member of the cult of the employed.
It's strange thinking of John working in a 9-5 job.
Life's changing. People are growing up and i feel like i'm lagging behind. It only bugs me when i get back to Sydney and catch up.
I wonder what i'll be thinking when i'll be working? Hopefully, i'll be thinking of my next artwork..

I spoke to the visiting counsellor that comes around twice a week to see patients here. She taught me something..

People are either TOO NICE - in which case they tell lies in order to accomodate the other person. Sooner or later, they snap in which case they become NASTY. They snap under the pressure that they place upon themselves and are consequently angry and frustrated, and lash out on the other person.

Somewhere in the middle, people have to learn to tell the TRUTH KINDLY.
So as not to place yourself in a position where you snap once things get unbearable.

For example,
Saying to the boss, yes i can do the extra work everytime when asked, and then getting really jaded and angry at the boss.
Instead, reaching a medium and saying i can't do both this task and this other task.. which would you want me to do more urgently so i can get that done first?

I don't know that that makes any sense in terms of my explaination.. but i really thought that this explained a lot about human nature and our assumptions.

A doctor told me a joke-
Which i found hilarious!
But on second thoughts got me thinking...
If i wasn't studing medicine, would it be funny?
Would the black humour be lost on me?
And then it dawned on me:
That I AM a nerd.

Holy.
Crabsticks.

Here's the joke:
Why are there nails in coffins?
So that Oncologists know when to stop chemotherapy!
(!!!)

If you find this funny,
And you have nothing to do with the medical industry,
Pray give me a yell.
So i can stop wimpering in the corner..
And keep up my non-nerd facade.

Today is Valentines Day.
And this is what i did.

Starting at the beginning, I was still at the hospital at 00:00 witnessing a uterus being stitched up after an emergency Caesar last night. Like I might have said before.. weird- This time the doctor brought the uterus over the skin, so that it was easier to stitch it up (and easier for me to see!).It felt really really hard- like an apple?
It was interesting watching it being poked back into the abdomen. Interesting...
Anyways, i didn't manage to get to bed until 01:30.
Only to have to wake up at 06:00 to get to the main hospital 50 minutes away by 08:00.
bah!
Of course, i was with the gynecologist, which was again interesting.
First up was a case of endometriosis, then a dilatation and curettage - where they kinda scrape out the uterus to see what the state of the uterus is- , then a termination of pregnancy.(you wouldn't think a 19 year old girl would need one of those hey?? What ever happened to the OCP? Nevertheless, the doctor prescribed the OCP after the proceedure.)
Lastly was an ovarian tumor removal.. WOW!
I saw a teratoma- the holy grail of pathology (according to one pathologist in second year.. =p) A teratoma is basically a germ cell cancer, which means that it can grow into basically any tissue in the body. Usually it's Hair, cartilage, bone and brain all mushed up in a ball growing in some unusual place.. like in the ovaries or testes. In this case it was full of hair. Gross but kewl.. in a gross way.

Then lunch and the 50 minute drive back home.
Decided that i'd duck into the GP practice to check mail and say hi, only to find out that there would be an emergency appendisectomy within the hour!
So scrubbed in and assisted in that too!
Home at 6:30 and exhaused. Just realised that tomorrow will be back at the hospital starting at 0800. again. AGAIN!
Perhaps i should go to bed before midnight for a change. (But left notes and homework needed for tomorrow at the practice!! Serenity now?)

So, ironically, i saw more lady's bits today than.. well.. ever! in my life!
The irony being on Valentines Day.

I guess i never was into the whole Valantines Day thing. =p
Perhaps next year!