I'm up and it's 12:33am. I am sad. The kind of sad that eats away at the back of your mouth and into your eyes.
I feel if I could draw a cartoon of me it would be a shadow engulfed by a dark cloud, with an invisible shield keeping people from me.

Does this sadness stem from an event? person? Words exchanged perhaps?
It was always there.
Just now it's here, and hungry.
I feed it everything now.
The broken friendships.
Envy of others.
My constant study.
My inadequacies and fears.

My husband has not said goodnight for that past two days now. He is currently in a warm drunken sleep on the couch. That is it's dessert.

How did I get here, in this cloud?
I want to run away, start afresh, see the sun.
Instead, sadness is sucking my tears from my eyes. Burning my head, and growing ever hungry.

Start of another new year.
New direction old job.
Lots of learn, building on old knowledge.
New depths to explore, in familiar landscapes.

Same me but different.

This is one of those days which make you wish you were less adult and more childlike.
Akin to those days where warranties lapse and everything breaks down.

Where's my reset button?

Things I've thought about lately that are making me rethink my strategy on life-
It's easier not to do the right thing.
Yes, it's true.
Take having the "you're taking too much pain medication" talk.
Patients have spent the past 3-4 weeks taking pretty hard core pain medication after surgery. They have built a tolerance and (some might argue) addiction to pain medication. It's time to wean them off.

It is easier for me to write them a script for their medication and avoid talking to them.

Instead, I spend 15 (often painful) minutes telling them why they should cut down, and attempting to start the opioid weaning process prior to discharge. Rarely I get the "that's cool doctor go ahead" response. A majority of patients are defensive and anxious- "you think i'm a junkie", "You don't believe that i'm in pain", "i've been having this dose and I'm sticking with it!" "Can't you give me more than that doctor??! What am i going to do when they run out?"
It's easier to just do what they want, continue with the routine, not shake the boat.


In my own life, I hope I have learnt from my frustrating times at work, but lately I've noticed the same corroding behaviour influencing my choices. Easier to stay in this simple (yet limitlessly annoying, frustrating and vapid) job. Easier to stay within the same circle of people talking about the same subjects. Easier not to go to the gym! eep!

Time to have that annoying talk with myself..

I haven't read or seen the movie 'How Stella got her groove back' .. But I feel like I need to, or at least, find out how the groove was found. Although if it involves finding some male counterpart soul mate who miraculously loves her for who she is - the end-, then I might just give it a miss.

Despite the rain, the sky intermittenly shines with such drama. This was on the way back from Cockatoo Island last weekend.
P.s. My basil 8 months later- A study of survival of the fittest:
I had about 20 basil sprouts in January, and this has been wittled down to 5. I'm quite proud of how they have grown.

I wonder if they realise they are separated by a thin wall of chipboard??